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1/ Review sites
As the stereotype suggests, us Brits love a good moan yet hate to complain . But when online, free from the judging eyes of the waiter, the average Brit can unleash decades of pent-up bile in a torrent of astonishing pettiness ("The pepper mill was hard to hold.1/10") without once having to apologise or worry about the likelihood of the chef spitting in hiscreme anglaise.That's progress.
2/Speakerphones
A Brit's worst nightmare: the conference call. After five minutes of sounding like a malfunctioning Hugh Grant robot - ''Yes, I was just saying... No,no after you... Yes, I was just saying... No, no after
you..."- you end the call with a notepad in front of you containing only the words "Meeting with US office" vigorously underlined eight times and a doodle of a cat.
3/ Facebook check-ins
The unwritten Brit rule is that you can only sign in on the Zuck truck if you're doing it in a suitably self-deprecating fashion. Say hi from the Burger King in Leigh Delamere services and you'll get at least 11 likes with a hearty "LOL"; check in to a top Michelin standard restaurant that you've been saving up for since you can remember ru1ed one lone family member will thumb approval, while everyone else thinks you're a dick.
4/Big tablets
You spent a small fortune on your full-bodied, non-seven-inch slate, but you're too embarrassed to read the paper or a book on it in public in case people think you're showing off. This means lugging it to work and back every day in an otherwise empty bag; you are essentially a gadget chauffeur. One step up from this would be some kind of hybrid tablet-cum-laptop. Have you ever seen a Brit with one of those? No. They are best left to the Ashton Kutchers of this world.
5/Emojis
Of course, if you had it your way you wouldn't use these at all,but if you don't every text message comes off as brutally sarcastic. But which to choose? The winky one looks a bit smug, the laughing one just seems even more sarcastic that putting nothing, and you can't put a whole row of crying-with-laughter ones as you're not a 15-year-old girl. The face with the tongue sticking out it is then. Send...Oh, what have you done?
6/Voicemail
As soon as we hear the words "Please leave your message at the tone" we forget how to engage our vocal chords. Hanging up before the beep ends, you form a script in your head, compose yourself as if you're Colin Firth in The King's Speech and try one more time. "Oh, yeah, er...just giving you a quick... call... because... er.. 'Hardly Oscar-worthy,old bean.
7/ Google Glass
First, they raise the statistical possibility of staring directly at someone while on public transport significantly. But these imminent smart specs will also surely lead to the constant echo of the word "sorry" on every street across the country, as Brits bump into real things they thought were virtual.
8/ Alcohol unit counting apps
"It says here I'm allowed 3-4 units a day,but I've downed twice that already and it's only Monday lunchtime! It must mean 30-40 units a day.Or maybe I should switch to shandies? Christ, my kidneys hurt!'
9/ Siri
It may be Brit-born (thanks Sir Jony) with a newly plummy accent, but activating Siri without meaning to, usually while sending a sneaky text, is enough to make you go bright red as the whole Quiet Coach tut-tuts you to death. Accidentally calling for the virtual PA's assistance in bed once your partner has drifted off to sleep is practically grounds for divorce in the UK
10/Email
In one sense a modern godsend, meaning we never need talk to anyone human ever again. In another sense, it's a virtual minefield of social embarrassment, especially the digital "nice to meet you" when introduced to someone new. Where to begin? "Nice to make your acquaintance?" Nah, too formal. "Good to know you!" Urgh, too Aussie. Best play it safe and just pretend it went into your spam folder. True Brit.
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